I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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