Is it normal to miss your booty call?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
