if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
