Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
