My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
