last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
