I just saw a hot homeless man
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
