So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
