I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
