I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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