I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
