My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
