wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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