Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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