I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
