Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
