look no pants
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
