then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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