I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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