didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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