I got chris browned last night
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
