You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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