his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
