At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
