The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
