I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
