May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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