I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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