I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
