I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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