All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
