I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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