Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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