There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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