when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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