Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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