Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
