Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
