i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
