he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If I die, sorry about rent.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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