I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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