So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
fuck your aforementioned shoe
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
