our cab driver is having phone sex.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
