What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
