A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
