the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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