I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
