That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
