Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
