Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
and i looked up. we had an audience...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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