girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
