can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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