i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
