Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
