I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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