I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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