He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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