my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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