Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize